Monday, November 16, 2009

Vent

I sit here in a quiet house, 2 kids asleep. Sounds like a parents dream right? The major problem with this one is that its missing one kid and its more like a recurring nightmare. Another night of hospitalization for a 16 month old who has spent so much time escaping those hollow, disinfectant smelling hallways, and another night of worry for us.

On the surface, this one would seem to be the most minor of her issues, but if you look deeper, it is nearly as troubling.
  • She was almost hospitalized twice last year with pneumonia.
  • She has had breathing issues from the beginning of her 7 week early entrance to this world.
  • Her body weight and size are no help in the matter as they have never had a real chance to catch up.
  • Her immune system as a whole is weaker than the rest due to incubator time, birth weight, medical issues and so forth.
To make matters worse, we are still trying to figure out the Health System here. It would have been nice to have a better understanding before things started to go haywire. Or to have family, friends, and neighbors to support us or help out in these circumstances. I guess no matter where we are, it will always be a shock, but another country and Doctors and practices and procedures is, in my mind, a little more than what we might experience in the U.S. if, say, one of her Doc's was on vacation and we had to deal with some one new.


She is a trooper and I am not in any way attempting to over-dramatize this instance. More to the point, I am trying to rationalize and get a clear picture of what the rest of her life/our lives are going to look like. We try not to live in fear of scary words such as "shunt failure," "seizure," "stroke," "developmental delay," and "pneumonia," but I am beginning to wonder if we are truly taking it day by day and trying to be positive, or are we deluding ourselves in fear of seeing the real story. Should we instead prepare for our lives to be tossed into a washing machine once, twice, three times a year?
 
On top of it all, these other two little girls, are having to deal with Real World issues far too soon. As a parent you'd like to be able to shelter your kids and protect them from the ugliness of the world around them. Rian had her second birthday interrupted by an early preganancy and has, unfortunately, had too much attention taken away from her too soon. We both agree that this may be one reason for the--shall we call it rambunctiousness--that she possesses. And poor Baylie. Today, while at school, the mother of one of her classmates died suddenly. By the end of the day, they found out it was a stroke. Baylie doesn't say or show much, but surely these things affect her. I hope, over time, she realizes the need to talk about these issues as opposed to bottling them up. Lord knows, that tactic never worked for me.
 
So...anyone reading this. If you haven't already, or even if you have, it won't kill you, say a prayer for us. All of us. I know that I am blessed to have a wonderful family, both near and far. Thank you for all of your thoughts, and your notes and well-wishes.
 
C

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

very thougtful and well said sweetheart. it is terribly difficult as a parent to watch your children "grow up" too quickly, due to things they shouldn't have to deal wtih. being aware of what bottling feelings can do can make you the perfect person to teach baylie to communicate hers. as long as you are aware of the reasons that your kids may act as they do sometimes, you will be able to love them thru it, even if that means getting them "help" along the way. kelsie will have her ups and downs thru the years and your hearts will ache for her, but always remember that she is a tough cookie and a fighter and will be an even stonger adult with so much to give!
Mom

mbutler said...

Chin up, Son. I know this is hard on you, Leasea, and the girls. I don't know why it's happening, all I know is I wish I could take the pain for you. I love you all very much and we have lots of prayers going out for you!

Aaron + Breanna said...

Kelsie is and has been in our prayers and we're thinking of you guys every minute.

Anonymous said...

Hey buddy, its Jim. I couldn't get my password correct.

I read your note several times.

I'm sorry to hear about the frustrations and fears that plague your mind. I'm glad to see that you are venting them.

Lord,
I ask for your grace for my brother. Relationships are being tested and strained. Circumstances weigh on his heart bringing stress and frustration. Father, give him peace at heart. Pour out a fresh sense of your wonder, power, strength, security, comfort, and mercy. Lift him up beyond the circumstances and encourage him to the depths of his soul. I pray that he would physically feel a difference. His mind would become clearer, more focused. I pray that you would give him joy through the Leasea and the kids. Restore him to a place of strength, resolve, and peace.

I pray this because you are our God, our Creator, and our Comforter. We will praise you at all times in all things.
Amen