Thursday, January 14, 2010

Am I the only one?

Its time to put it all on the line. Step right up to make fun of me if I am the only one, but I gotta get this off my chest. Who knows, that may be all I need.

Okay, so here goes. Does anyone else ever feel like they are still a scared little, snot-nosed kid? I mean, I am 30--not AARP yet, but not a kid by a longshot--and there are times when I would just like to curl up and cry. I guess I do the adult version of that, because I get cranky and lash out, or get quiet and withdrawn. Is this a normal thing or am I just weird? Better yet, is it ok? Or most importantly, is this one of those man secrets that I was supposed to stay hushed about and now will lose my man card?

The thing is, I do cry, everyone of you knows that. What I am asking is if it is ok to be that scared little blond munchkin, wandering in Briarwood Mall at 7 years old who didn't listen to his mom and ran off. Thing is, that time, my mom was still watching. Just letting me learn from my mistake. And then she was there to hug me and let me breakdown. 

I know not all of you are religious, but go with me here for a sec, indulge me. Is that instance the same as now, when I am scared and feel lost and helpless and just want to break down, God is watching, letting me learn whatever lesson it is I need to move on and become stronger. And then, he is there to comfort me afterwards. He sends people in the form of a SS class when you are told your daughter is not going to make it. Best friends who have seen me through all my drama, ups and downs, and still love me. Or a wife, who comes along right when you've decided to give up looking for a partner. Or parents, who have been there for scraped elbows, knee surgeries, broken bones, and all the other "stuff".

Many of you know that I had a rough first couple of years of college. Looking back, those problems weren't that massive, I was just immature and unprepared to deal with them. So I tried suicide. People get taken aback when I mention it--its taboo, don't ya know--but for me it is a reality. And you know what? I am thankful for that collapse. It made me realize how many people cared for me. It made me look at things in a different light. It made me realize how easily I got overwhelmed in certain circumstances. It made me realize how scared I was, and that my emotions needed to be redirected. I was scared and went the easy route; I was an emotional hurricane, usually fueled by beer, who could go from happy to tears in not time, and for no real reason. Now, while most of you know that last part hasn't changed, I feel I have the rest of it in perspective. Or at least I am working on getting it so.

I am still scared. I am scared of what medical issues await my family. I am scared to be so far away from my loved ones. I am scared about change in general. I am scared to be alone. I am scared for my extended family and the issues that they face. I am scared.

But I think that is ok.


Kannithia said...

It's ok to be scared just know that during those storms to cry out (literally) to God. That comfort/calmness he brings is Amazing. I have learned to control my words better (still a work in progress), my insecurity is a lot less but if I did not have God helping, I would be a wreck. Keep your head up, look up to heaven and say I need some help down here. Take care and give my love to your family.

mbutler said...

Son...we all feel that way at one time or another. I still do and so does your Mom. God watches over you all the time, so do Mom and I thorugh our prayers, our thoughts, and our hearts. We love you Chris, always have and always will.